Tag Archives: body

2249. Murder by asphyxiation

I thought if I heaved his body into the dumpster before I threw in all the squashed cardboard boxes and plastic bags from the warehouse then no one would find the body. The dumpster would be taken away, emptied in some landfill, and we could all get on with our lives.

He’d only been working here for about three weeks and was as lazy as sin. He could get away with it, being the boss’s nephew. He would answer back real smart too, and it made me angry. That’s why I got one of the large untearable plastic bags from the packing cartons and threw it over his head. He struggled a bit before suffocating; more than a bit actually. Then I had the unenviable task of disposing of the body. I had all the time in the world. The boss was away. I was working alone and would lock up at the end of the day. The dumpster was out the back of the warehouse. I left the body in the plastic bag. Sometimes things like that work out nicely.

Then his mother came looking for him. “Have you seen my darling son?”

“No,” I said. “Not for a while.” That bit was at least true. “I haven’t seen him for an hour or so.”

I nearly laughed because we were standing out the back right next to the dumpster. I could see where he had got his horribleness from. His mother was twice as bad; rude, lazy, and full of herself.

And then she took out her phone. “I’ll just dial his number,” she said. “He always keeps his phone in his jean’s pocket and we’re sure to hear it ring.”

2171. Gang warfare

When Blair looked out the window first thing in the morning he didn’t take much notice of the dead body floating in the garden goldfish pond. It had been dumped there by Highway Bike members to scare the heck out of him. Blair had insulted a member of the gang the day before and the dead body was a warning to him that he could be next. Blair yawned.

Yesterday had been a momentous day for insults. A Highway Bike member had insulted Blair’s mother by referring to her in a rather offensive way, and Blair had responded in like manner.

The feud had since grown into a full-scale war, hence the body floating in the pond.

Twelve-year-old boys can be nasty if they want to, although personally I feel sorrier for the dead bird.

Repeat of Story 693: I was driving along quite comfy

(This is the second story in a week or so of repeats. “I was driving along quite comfy” first appeared on this blog on 3 September 2015.)

I was driving along quite comfy, thank you, with the radio playing a bit of head banging stuff, and following this hearse that must’ve been heading for a cemetery or a crematorium or a funeral parlour or somewhere. And suddenly the back door of the hearse flew up in the air and out fell a coffin.

Well I stopped immediately before I hit the coffin, which I did just a bit, and the lid cracked, and a bit of the side, and out popped a leg and a foot in a pair of brown trousers with a well-worn cosy slipper with a tartan pattern.

I tooted my horn furiously but the hearse kept going, like it was being driven by a robot or something and like the undertaker didn’t care. He was probably texting his girlfriend or something anyway and didn’t seem to notice the difference.

All happened so suddenly, in the flash of an eye, and the next thing the truck following me went wham straight into the back of my car. My car shot forward flat out and knocked the coffin in the air a bit and it fell down and sort of shattered completely open in the middle of the road.

A couple of bystanders were already watching, and one looked horrified and the other was laughing. And the back of my car seemed to be a bit of a wreck. I hope the hearse is insured because I didn’t have the money to fork out for a new car, or even to get the old one fixed.

All this was going through my head, and the next thing there was a police officer asking what had happened, and by now I didn’t have a clue. So I sort of repeated everything I’ve just told you now, and the police officer thought I was talking nonsense because I was shocked, and told me to wait over by the side of the road until he’d finished asking everyone else questions.

So that’s what I’m doing now; waiting for the cop to finish. The coffin’s still sitting on the road. Everyone is too busy telling the policeman what went on to worry about the body. It’s dead anyway. But I wish he’d hurry because I’ve got to sort out this mess about my wrecked car.

Here comes the hearse now. Maybe that’ll hurry things along a bit. And I hope no one believes the undertaker when he spins some cock-and-bull yarn about me starting the ball rolling when I hit the back of the hearse at full speed.

1655. Shooting rabbits

(Thanks to ARANEUS1 for the opening sentence).

Lying in the grass on the side of the hill he would have had an excellent view of the valley if it hadn’t been dark and he hadn’t been dead. The corpse seems to have his foot caught between two rocks and was in a sitting position. It was in an advanced stage of decomposition. The head was all decayed and only the bones remained. The body was dressed in a brown coat, singlet, and trousers, and a brown knitted beanie was found lying close to it, while a plastic shopping bag containing a dead rotten rabbit’s carcass lay about two metres away.

Eddie had taken his sister’s teenage boy, Charlie, rabbit shooting in the hills beyond the valley where they lived when they came across the body. It was fun to hunt rabbits by torchlight. The beams of light would catch in the rabbit’s eyes and BANG! Usually Eddie would go out rabbit shooting with his sister’s husband but he’d disappeared some time back. That’s why Eddie went out this time with nephew Charlie.

Suddenly, the sweep of the searchlight caught the corpse of the man.

“What the hell?” said Eddie. They moved closer.

“We’d better go to the police.”

Charlie knew the dead man was his missing father. It was then too he realized for sure a funny feeling he’d had all along; this wasn’t an accident.

1328. Which is which

Mr and Mrs Granville McLeod had twin boys – Jock and Jack. Jock was good-looking and sporty; as handsome as they come and a body like it had just popped out of Michelangelo’s modelling studio. Jack, on the other hand, had little going for him. He was slow, almost short of a couple of planks, pimply, slightly hunchbacked, skinny, and ugly-ish.

The girl down the road, Ingrid, fell desperately in love with muscular, handsome Jock.

“Let’s hope,” said Jock’s proud parents, “that you have fallen in love with his profound intellectual ability and not with the perfection of his body. One would be a manifestation of true love, and the other merely low-lying lust.”

To solve the mystery as to what aspect of Jock Ingrid admired the most, Mr and Mrs Granville McLeod cut off Jock and Jack’s heads and sewed them onto the wrong bodies.

“Now we will see,” said Jock’s proud parents, “whether Ingrid loves him for his body or his mind. Which one do you pick, Ingrid?”

Faced with such a challenge, Ingrid made an announcement.

“I have come to a decision. I shall marry neither because I could not face a life-time of such meddlesome parents-in-law.”

1299. A panoramic view

One of the first things Desmond did every morning when he got out of bed was to draw aside the expansive drapes from the window looking out across his lawn to the panoramic view of distant mountains. It was like opening a new chapter to his existence! The drawing aside of theatre curtains to begin a Wagnerian opera! The appearance of royal newlyweds kissing on some grand palace balcony! To pull aside the curtains was a titanic gesture; a declaration that this was the first day of the rest of his life!

This morning, when Desmond drew aside the curtains there was a dead body lying on his lawn.

“Holy hell,” said Desmond getting into the shower, “I’d forgotten about last night.”

886. Dead body


Justin lived in the country. He had to go into town in his old truck to pick up some corn mash for his chickens. He got held up at the Farmers Co-op where he bought the chicken food, because he bumped into an old friend from way back and they got talking. So now Justin was running late. He was in a bit of a hurry to get home because he had to feed his three dogs.

He had just driven up a winding hill road and was about to descend when he saw it. There was a body lying on the road. It was a lonely bit of road; maybe one or two cars a day came by. Perhaps the body had been hit by a car or something. Anyway, Justin drove on. He didn’t have time to stop. He had to get home and feed his dogs.

He felt guilty. He should’ve stopped. What a waste. Several miles down the road, Justin came to a halt in his old truck and turned around. He couldn’t leave the body on the road, for goodness sake.

When he reached the place, the body was still lying there. Justin picked it up and threw it onto the back of his truck. Dead rabbit was always a treat for his dogs.

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