Talia had a blog. Who doesn’t? She put all her thoughts into the one basket. All her friends from school gave her lots of likes. In fact, Talia was Ms Popularity. Boys gave likes on her blog even if it was a girly subject like makeup.
And then Henrica stole Talia’s boyfriend.
Talia’s boyfriend was Judd. Talia called him “Judd the Stud”, and now Henrica, who had buck teeth, had pinched him.
Talia hatched a plot from her basket of thoughts. She posted the most beautiful blog. It was about summer flowers and gentle breezes, stormy skies and kitten’s sneezes. It almost went viral. Three hundred and seventy-two likes in one day! In one day!
Pressing the editing button, Talia deleted all she had written and replaced it with “Henrica Sorenson is a total bitch”. The “Likes” remained. Three hundred and seventy-two likes in one day! All agreeing that Henrica was a worthless wench!
Henrica overdosed on her father’s blood-pressure pills. Now Talia can get Judd back.
It’s been a month now, perhaps six weeks, since the town of Hickton-in-Sticks got broadband. Mrs Myrtle Beech said it was a great disappointment. She had waited months, even years, to start a blog and thus far nothing had gone viral.
“Nothing has gone viral,” said Myrtle. “The whole thing’s a scam.”
Mr Bristol Port agreed.
“I’d looked forward to broadband excitedly,” said Bristol. “But once you’ve seen one porn site you’ve seen the lot. In fact I get a great deal more satisfaction looking into the mirror. It’s blown way out of proportion.”
Ms Savannah Field thought the whole thing was marvellous. She was the town’s school teacher and the online computer games at least got the kids off their phones.
“It’s great for me as a teacher,” said Savannah. “The kids log on first thing in the morning and by the end of the day they’re reluctant to go home. Computer games are certainly a great boon for a teacher, and getting broadband in Hickton-in-Sticks has improved the quality of education the kids are getting.”
“It’s a scam,” said Myrtle.
“It’s blown out of proportion,” said Bristol.
“Put it this way,” said Savannah. “Things have changed for the better since we’ve got broadband. In the last month only five people from Hickton-in-Sticks have committed suicide.”
Killian made it a principle of life to write something every day. He would sit at his desk at the same time each morning and begin to type. Sometimes the words flowed; sometimes not.
These days he had become bored. He needed a new sort of challenge. He thought he would pick a number at random – something between ten and one hundred and fifty. Then he would write a story using that exact number of words.
For example, today’s story is eighty four words. Make that eighty five. Eighty nine. Ninety one. Ninety three.
Oh God! What a stupid thing to do. One hundred and seveneightnine …
Hi! This posting goes one step further. It will tell you how to properly write a blog about how to properly write a blog about how to properly write a blog. About a quarter of the blogs tell you how to properly write a blog about how to properly write a blog, and the other half tells you how to properly write a blog.
1. Dictate the style. Do you think style pops up out of the ether? That it happens all by itself? Of course it doesn’t. Style, let’s call it “fashion” for that’s what it is, is created by creative people. They don’t merely KNOW what people like; they create what people like. This year you will like this; next year you will like that. Every publisher goes along with that, otherwise they wouldn’t sell a thing. Shopping lists and stuff like that seem to be IN.
2. Dictate the subject matter. Be decisive. Grey was very much last year’s colour; or was that the year before? These days it’s not black and white; it’s black OR white. I’m not going to tell you what’s IN and what’s not. YOU determine that. YOU make the rules.
3. Don’t ever, EVER, use an adverb, not even inadvertently. Adverbs are out. They are quite unnecessary, and publishers hate them, and they will toss your work aside as quickly as they can scribble a rejection slip. Come to think of it, try to avoid the use of nouns. A noun is too definite. Who gave you the right to decide what other people think? If you must use a noun try to be as vaguely ambiguous as possible.
4. Don’t use the passive voice. Yes, I know Shakespeare had used it, but you want to write something that will last and can be understood. Who these days understands a word Shakespeare was saying? And the passive voice probably accounts for huge hunks of it. Anyway, the passive voice has been banished.
For more handy hints, one free editing of a small sample of your work, and a weekly course, you can join my writing circle for a mere $40 a week and learn how to properly write a blog about how to properly write a blog about how to properly write a blog properly.
My name is Lavinia. This is my blog. I call it Smudgy-Wudgy-Kitchy-Koo, Author. Here is today’s posting:
I would like to thank all my followers, and everyone who has given me a like. Without you no one would read my blog.
At the moment I have writer’s block. It’s terrible to be an author and have writer’s block. It’s when you can’t think of anything to say. That’s why I’m taking this opportunity to thank everyone who follows my blog, while I think of something to say.
Another thing I could do, while I have writers block, is to post some poems and to reblog my friends. Also, thank you to everyone who comments on my blog. I love getting comments and also on Facebook and Twitter and Tumblr and if anyone wants to reblog this I would appreciate it and also give you a like. I have been reblogged eight times by my friends.
Also I want to thank Partridge in a Peach Tree for nominating my blog as the Most Inspiring Blog on the Web!!!! I have to say forty-one things about myself and nominate twenty-seven other inspiring bloggers who also have the most inspiring blogs on the web. I shall answer those questions in a future posting. Partridge in a Peach Tree yah!
Thank you for reading. And to think!!! This is only my second posting.