It has been brought to my attention that a few people who have read this blog over the last 8 or so years have died. Read on at your own risk.
Perhaps this blog carries a similar curse to the one associated with Tutankhamen’s tomb. Of the blog’s several thousand followers I know of at least two who have passed on during those 8 or so years.
BEWARE! Everyone who reads this blog will one day die. Sure as eggs. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.
Lincoln, neither the American President nor the motorcar, was obsessed with serial killers. He wasn’t a serial killer himself but he had read every book ever written about them. His favourite one was Jack the Ripper, although there were a few other close contenders. He reckoned that the real identity of Jack the Ripper was the Prince of Wales.
Lincoln had never met a serial killer in his life, at least not until now. Shall we kill him off, Gentle Reader?
BANG! There we are, dead as a doornail. He tried to run out of this story. Not a chance! Add Lincoln to the list. Another one bites the dust in these pages.
This is a fabulous recipe thanks Audrey. I love your recipe postings. This was such an easy recipe for Pork Chops in Apple Cider Sauce. I don’t eat meat so I made it for hubby and the kids. The quick browning and cooking of the pork chops worked a treat. Hubby doesn’t like mustard or garlic and the children didn’t like the smell of apple cider when cooking, so everyone ate their pork chops without the apple cider sauce but used a bit of ketchup instead. They loved it. This is definitely a keeper.
Let me make it quite clear: I don’t believe in outer-space aliens, I have never believed in aliens, and I will never believe in aliens. They are a fiction and not an overly interesting one. Which is why it was a bit strange, given my antipathy towards fictional extra-terrestrials, that I got a handwritten note in my mailbox lamenting that this blog hadn’t had a story in it for quite a while involving outer-space aliens. It was signed “Alien from Out There”.
To be honest, I saw red. If a friend (or acquaintance) wanted science fiction they were welcome to tell me to my face. I scribbled a reply at the bottom of the note that read “If you’re so keen on science fiction why don’t you write one yourself.”
The next day there was a story in my mailbox. Here it is. It hasn’t changed my scepticism about aliens one bit.
Uxun tykugy Htccy ycu cuun tklu cll yur lygu tyct hyu wch cukptuu hyu huhpuctuu yn gcct tyct yur mktyur wch yur rucl mktyur cnu yur gctyur wch yur rucl gctyur. Htccy wch numcur hyx yn c gcmyly kg hyx cyylurun. Yn gcct, gkur kg yur crktyurh cnu hyhturh wuru yur rucl crktyurh cnu hyhturh, cnu uxun tykugy hyu wch tun yucrh ykungur tycn tyuy wuru tyuru wch nktyyng unuhucl yn tyct. Knu kg yur crktyurh, tyu gygty hyclyng, ycu tyu hcmu mktyur wut tyu gctyur wch uyggurunt; “Hwuuyhy” tyu UNC tuhth wuru tk ruxucl.
Tk prkxu yur pkynt, Htccy ycu ycu hucrut UNC tuhth uknu kg tyu gcmyly cnu tyu ruhulth prkxuu yur pkynt: yur mktyur wch yur rucl mktyur cnu yur gctyur wch yur rucl gctyur. Hk wyy tyu cukptykn htkry?
I had to read the story twice. Have they never heard of proper punctuation? Ignorant idiots. And what a stupid story. Huh? Just because some of us have green blood doesn’t mean to say that… whatever.
Now and again it’s fun to have a guest blogger, so I have invited Scholastica to post something on my blog today. Scholastica is a pseudonym for Vonnie Blotchard. Scholastica is a name which has overtones of scholar and elastic. In other words, Vonnie is a flexible student of life. She is open to new ideas and ways of doing things and expanding and contracting thoughts.
Only the other day she posted on her own blog – which has subsequently been removed – a method of killing quivering moths that might come fluttering into your living quarters at night when you’ve left the light on. It is a merciless method intended to teach the moth a jolly good lesson and involves a pair of tweezers and a broomstick. Brilliant!
Also on her blog Scholastica sometimes lets her twin brother Benedict, who goes under the name of Imintofootball, post a blog on her blog which I must admit is very kind considering the nonsense he comes up with.
Scholastica on the other hand is thoughtful yet wildly inventive. That is why I invited her to do a posting on my blog. She has spent a lot of time thinking about it. She is a master – or rather a mistress (perhaps even neither one nor the other) – of Obscurantism. If you don’t know what Obscurantism is then you will know once you’ve read Scholastica’s wonderful contribution. Take it away, Scholastica!
Blabbercation on the windy trail of life.
Well done, Scholasica! See! I told you! If anyone has any comments about her contribution please leave them on this blog and not email or text Scholastica personally.
I said at the start that it was fun now and again to have a guest blogger. But it’s more than fun. Possibly for some of you more dreary readers it can be a life-changing experience. To have said “Blabbercation” rather than “Blobbercation” or even “Bloggeration” or “Buggeration” is a feat in itself and shows the altitude to which Scholastica these days flies about in. Elastic scholar indeed!
You will no doubt be disappointed that these guest bloggers on my blog are very rare. It’s getting harder and harder to find a good blogger these days. Too often bloggers post nothing but twaddle.
Humphrey sat and pondered. He wrote a blog; frequent stories and things. It was time perhaps for a good old-fashioned murder.
Humphrey had devised many a murder over the years. He had poisoned and stabbed, shot with pistol and rifle, organized fatal accidents. There had been drownings and sunstrokes and coronaries. If Humphrey concocted a storybook death, even from natural causes, it could be construed as murder. He didn’t have to kill characters off. But snuff characters out he did, and often with glee.
The only problem was that things were becoming run-of-the-mill; so humdrum; rather ho-hum. Are there any original ways left to murder? Is there still such a things as a creative homicide?
In the meantime, Humphrey was on another mission. Occasionally his stories degenerated into Science Fiction. Today he was in a space craft – a mother ship that was headed for the moon. When they got there, Nancy would land on the surface of the moon in the special moon lander. She would be the first woman to walk on the moon.
“It’s very important,” said Nancy.
“I don’t think it’s important at all,” said Humphrey. “Science is science.”
They had a big argument, but agreed to a semi-placid relationship while their scientific experiments were carried out. Nancy went off on her little moon lander and history was made! Wonderful! The first woman in history to set foot on non-Earth soil!
“I shall do my best to make her name forever remembered,” thought Humphrey. He turned the mother ship towards home and took off.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Hi Doozy Suzie. I really love your blog. What I especially like was the photo you put in your header of your dog. I have a dog and it is very special. Every day we go for a walk and he greets everyone he meets. He would be useless as a guard dog because he wouldn’t bark but run up to the thief for a pat!!!
He is a Xoloitzcuintle, also known as a Mexican Hairless Dog, and his name is Buffy. He got that name because when he was born he didn’t have any fur and my grandmother said “He’s in the buff” so after that he was called Buffy.
I don’t know how you think of things to put on your blog every day. Your posting today was really interesting – all about your mother dying yesterday. The blow by blow account of her last hours I couldn’t stop reading. I don’t know, as I say, how you manage to think of something different every day to blog about.
Your posting last week of how your baby sister died of the flu was quite exciting, although I don’t really understand what that has got to do with your header of a dog. Was your baby sister and the dog good friends? Or was it something else?
I showed the picture of your dog to my grandmother – not the one who named Buffy but the other one – and she read what you wrote and said from what you say your mother would have been “a mean old hag”. (These were her words, not mine). My grandmother said the world is better off when people like that are not stealing the air we breathe.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I like the picture of your dog. You never said what its name was. If we get a cat my grandmother said we should call it Fluffy – to go with Buffy. I suppose your grandmother hasn’t suggested you get a cat because she’s dead.
Lois tried to post on her blog daily. Her postings were open to comments and likes. In fact, she felt quite thrilled when someone commented or gave her a like. It was as if putting time into creating a post was worthwhile, particularly if the comment said that her posting had been helpful.
Then one day someone posted a comment that was a bit rude: Why don’t you write about something interesting, you weasel?
Lois was a bit upset about it, but not too much. She continued to write and post. The comments got more vehement. Why don’t you write about something we can all understand? You’ve got your head in the clouds thinking that people are interested in such rubbish. I wish you’d stop annoying the hell out of people like me.
Lois could have deleted the comment but she left it on her blog, although she didn’t respond to it. She wondered why the commenter bothered to even read her blog. However, someone else came to her defence.
Professor Lois Stinghammer is the world’s leading expert in Neurocardio Conversigence. She blogs daily to help those of us who suffer from such a disease. We understand better what is happening to us and what we must do to help alleviate our condition. Thank you, Doctor Lois for your time and kindness, and a pox on Jello-in-the-kitchen for their rude and inconsiderate reaction.
Of course Neurocardio Conversigence wasn’t a disease that existed, and nor was Lois a doctor, but it wasn’t long before both got their own page on Wikipedia.
Hi. My name is Sinead and the other day I felt like getting all interactive on my blog. Lots of people do. They get all interactive and everyone takes part and it is fun. So I thought why not me too? It also attracts new faces to the blog. So this is what I done.
Write a poem no longer than 14 lines and 54 words including the words haversack, hurdy-gurdy, enthralling, table, and Rumpelstiltskin. The posting was accompanied by a picture of an Australian short-beaked echidna for inspiration because they’re cute and lay only one egg every year. So they would be no good keeping instead of chickens!!!!
Well, no one responded, not even my friend Debbie, so I asked my friend Debbie if she had any thoughts as to why, and she said “Nah she didn’t”. She should know because she has an interactive page on her blog and lots of people post pictures of themselves on it. But I don’t want to do the same because it will look as if I never had an original thought in my life. Anyway I never posted a picture of myself on my friend Debbie’s blog because my parents probably read it.
I also asked my biology teacher about it, and all he said was “Not another, Shirley” and I said my name wasn’t Shirley. So he wasn’t worth asking. He’s like that, Mr Thompson, he puts everyone down. But I’m not going to let it beat me so I’m going to put up another challenge and let’s hope this time a lot of people find it attractive enough to enter and give it likes.
My friend Debbie just asked me if I wanted to go down to the town mall, so I said yes, so I’ll come back to this later maybe.
Hi. This is me later. I’ve changed my mind, and now I’m creating a new blog on fashion. I’m only going to have pictures of me wearing my own stuff. Let’s hope it attracts lots of likes. Ms Turnwall, who teaches gymnastics at school and I bumped into her at the mall, and she is always very encouraging, and she said that the idea of my fashion page would not only be thought-provoking but it could also be sensational. So come on, everyone, and give my fashion pictures lots of likes after I post them, probably next week after I finish the written assignment Ms Turnwall gave us to do on Russians spying on our national gymnastics team at the Olympics.
I’m hoping to be a journalist when I leave school so all this is good practice.
Hi. My name is Zhara and I would like to share with you what I have learnt about blogging by blogging. First of all don’t get caught up with trying to get lots of likes – I get about 1100 likes and I am happy with that. I get friends on Facebook and stuff to give me likes as it’s a way of promoting my blog to those who are missing out. It is so exciting! I can’t believe how popular I am. My friend, Arizona, only got 27 likes!!!! What a loser!!!!
I also try to select the best makeup to recommend, even though I’m not a makeup blogger but a lot of women are interested in makeup so they are attracted to my blog because of the makeup. And the guys like coming to my blog to see the photos of the women wearing the makeup. And I also post about makeup for men for those who like looking at men like my cousin Alfred. So find some side things to put in your blog to attract a wider audience – like makeup and fashion and face cream and hair and stuff.
It’s also helpful if you suffer from some ailment and talk about it. I got a fungal infection once but I didn’t blog about that. It is better to go for sychological (that’s a word I can’t spell) ailments like skizno skitzo depression. People run away from viruses but they don’t mind (or rather like) people who are suffering and they like to offer their support. But what is the point of offering support to someone with a fungal infection? You might catch it!!!! So go for something in the head like grief or loss or something. Face cream for dry skin is alright because it’s not fungus.
Anyway, all this is my advice, and I hope to start a page soon about website promotion – but people will have to pay for that!!! My boyfriend is coming to my place tonight to show me what to do because he knows about stuff like that. I am really excited to be a successful blogger, and will now post this before I lose all the friends who read my first posting yesterday.
Weave a Web 