2741. The birthday party

For Emmeline’s seventh birthday her mother said she could invite up to twelve little girls from school to her birthday party. All twelve excitedly accepted the invitation and all of their mothers (and one father) wrote a thankyou note:

Alexandria: Our religion forbids the watching of any video or television, so I do hope entertainment for the party is not centred around such a sinful monstrosity.

Primrose: Our daughter is allergic to milk products so the serving of such things is out of the question.

Pandora: My daughter drinks only potable water. I know you live in the country and are dependent on rain water, but please provide purified water in a bottle if water use is intended.

Cosima: Our little girl – as is the whole family – are vegan. Please bear that in mind when planning the menu.

Lavender: She is not fond of spicy food. We don’t want you to think it’s rude of her if she refuses to touch spicy food.

Gertrude: It’s the smell of cooking chicken that makes Gertrude feel ill. If you intend to provide chicken pieces please do not cook them in the house when Gertrude is there.

Genevieve: She is allergic to peanuts. In fact anything that has been within smelling distance of a peanut we have taught her to avoid.

Calliope: Calliope doesn’t like blueberries. So if you mean to have fruit salad would it be too much to ask that you make a separate dish for her without blueberries?

Tatiana: She only likes walnut and cookies ice cream. Thought I’d better warn you.

Apollonia: We always have pizza every Friday evening. Apollonia does love her pizza! So I know this party is on a Friday. Just a suggestion…

Evangeline: Evangeline eats only healthy food. It’s something we encourage her to do. In fact we insist she eat only healthy food. If you see how skinny she is you’ll see why we are so worried about what she eats.

Priscilla: We like to think of ourselves as modern parents. So if you intend to play games involving dolls and stuffed animals – even pin the tail on the donkey – we hope such things are anatomically accurate. Have a nice party!

2739. Tobogganing

Kevin had always wanted a toboggan, and he got one for his birthday.

“Who’s a lucky boy?” exclaimed Aunt Thora. She was always one for the original phrase. Kevin sighed. He’d heard Aunt Thora say “Who’s a lucky boy?” a thousand times.

“There’s no snow,” said Philomena. “Why would you want a toboggan?” Kevin explained that he could use it on a grassy slope. Going downhill on grass is not as slippery as snow but it’s still fun.

“To each their own,” said Aunt Thora. “I wouldn’t be found dead on that thing. Not even if you paid me.”

“You’re ninety-four,” said Kevin. “You’d probably break your neck.” It was a very imprudent thing to say to Aunt Thora. Kevin should have known not to rile Aunt Thora.

“You can say what you like,” declared Aunt Thora. “Personally I think it childish that you should want a toboggan when you’re in your sixties.”

2718. I can’t believe it’s the 8th of May

“Goodness!” exclaimed Elaine. “I can’t believe it’s the 8^th of May already. It seems just like yesterday that we celebrated Christmas. Being 97 years old I thought in every likelihood it would be my last Christmas. Perhaps it’s not to be the last! As I say, it’s the 8^th of May already.”

“In another two weeks I’ll be 98. The joke is always the same: I’ve celebrated so many birthdays that there’s nothing left to give me for a present. Last year I got three pairs of slippers from various grand and great-grandchildren. I’ve only two feet you know.”

“My daughter Velma jokes that she can’t wait for me to pass on so she can collect the inheritance. She jests that she wants to go on a world trip with that fancy boy of hers. She’s a trick! Here she comes now clutching that heavy cast iron frying pan. What she wants with a frying pan in this room I have no …”

2671. Party game

Mrs. Rogers was not a nice lady at all. Eleven of us from James’ class were invited to his house for his 9^th birthday party. So all in all there were twelve of us.

When it came to dessert time Mrs. Rogers put out thirteen dishes, and she said we would play a game. There were twelve of us and thirteen dishes. One of them was poisoned! She knew which one was poisoned but we didn’t. Of course it was just a game so probably none of them were poisoned, but you never can be too sure. So we all picked a plate and pretended to start eating.

When everyone had a dessert plate there was still one dessert left so Mrs. Rogers took it herself. We all knew that Mrs. Rogers would not have taken it to eat if it was the poisonous dish. She definitely had a safe dish.

Barney Halifax swapped plates with her when she wasn’t looking. Ha! Boy was he glad he did.

Music 547: The Holly and the Ivy

Today is the birthday of a person of little significance. To celebrate here’s a traditional Christmas carol I arranged for oboe, Bb clarinet, and piano.

Feel free to get out your oboe and play along!

The Holly and the Ivy – audio HERE; sheet music HERE

2445. Birthday treat

Babette made twenty little cakes in her muffin tin. They were sponge cakes in which she cut a circular piece from the top, filled it with whipped cream, then sliced and set the cut out top to make a butterfly shape. She called them her butterfly cakes.

With the cream and the sugar and the butter she knew it wasn’t particularly healthy, but what the heck! a birthday comes but once a year.

For breakfast she had two sausages and a fried egg as well as a… no! Not toast, but fried bread; which is a slice of bread soaked in milk and fried in lard. For lunch it was a hamburger and French fries from a local chain, for although she liked to cook, three meals in a day was a bit much work, especially since it was her birthday.

At last came the evening meal. Babette poured herself a wine, set the table complete with her twenty little cakes, and began to prepare the main course of East Lothian beef, braised truffle barley and Scottish girolles. It was to be an early dinner, because as a birthday treat Babette had booked into the finest restaurant in town. She want to see how her cooking compared to theirs.

2427. Birthday gift

Ross felt that the older his father got the harder it was to think of a decent birthday present for him. He had everything – well, everything he needed, and for that matter he had most things he liked – except of course for something fancy like a new expensive car.

It’s not that these days Ross’s family would spend much on birthday gifts; it was the thought that counts, and with the state of the economy it was getting more and more difficult to buy some gift that wasn’t simply a cheap plastic abomination.

Ross’s father’s birthday was on the coming Sunday. Ross had bought a birthday card with an envelope. He simply needed something relatively inexpensive to go with it. And there it was; tickets for a raffle and the prize was a brand new car! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if his father won that?

Ross tucked the five tickets he bought into the card and sealed the envelope. Five tickets at two dollars each amounted to ten dollars. A chance with five tickets was plenty enough for a birthday celebration! The raffle was to be drawn on the Saturday, the day before the birthday. Ross didn’t want to spoil the fun by checking on the ticket numbers before the birthday and then giving away something already useless. The envelope was well sealed!

And then the internet announced… the car had been won by a locally purchased ticket! Oh dear! Ross looked at the sealed envelope. It was a great temptation to have a peek.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Ross’s father enjoyed getting the birthday card with the four tickets inside, even though he never won anything.

2395. Excuses excuses

Angus was a sales representative for a large chemical firm. He was constantly getting invited to attend this and that in the weekends by clients. “Come to dinner!” “We’re having a barbeque.” “Just a light Saturday luncheon with co-workers from the factory.”

Angus’ weekends were never his own. He had two children; a boy and a girl. He started by saying he could not attend because it was Algernon’s birthday or Gwendoline’s birthday. After several months of this he realized that that he had used seven or eight birthday dates for each child. What if the client repeated the invitation several months later? And which child’s birthday had he used for that client?  He could hardly have each child born twice!

There was only one thing for it; Angus began to keep a notebook. It worked perfectly.

These days he has six grandchildren. There’s no need for names. There’s no need for notebooks. It’s simply, “I can’t come sorry. It’s a grandchild’s birthday.”

2368. Office staff

Of all the people who work in this office there’s only one I can’t stand. She’s usually over there. She’s usually the one with the loud voice that explains to Jacinta how to make blackberry pie but in fact she’s trying to educate the entire office staff. Well, she’s not really trying to educate the entire room; it’s more that’s she tries to explain why her blackberry pie is better than anyone else’s.

It all came to a head last Thursday. It was my birthday, and then out of the blue a big bunch of flowers arrived from my husband (he’s such a romantic!). They were absolutely gorgeous and it was such a surprise. Everyone crowded around to admire them and that’s when Rosie-Lynn asked in a loud voice (that’s the blackberry pie maker): “Is that all you’re getting?” She then proceeded to explain the meaning of each flower and its colour. By the end of her explanation, had I been more gullible, I would have been convinced that my husband was having an affair and was taking the house and the kids and moving to Bermuda.

And then last Monday – you’ve guessed it – it was Rosie-Lynn’s birthday. Did her husband send her flowers or what? Plus there was a beautiful diamond necklace. (I’m not too mean not to admit that, yes, it was beautiful). The whole world knew it was Rosie-Lynn’s birthday. They merely had to hear the oohs and aahs to know the reality. To cap it all off she turned to me and said, “Now that’s how you celebrate a birthday”.

I’ve always disliked her, but her undercurrent of supercilious needling and so on gets me down. In fact I have to make an effort to remain positive and pleasant.

Then just yesterday Jacinta told me a few things about Rosie-Lynn.  Rosie Lynn wasn’t married. She lived alone. She sent herself the necklace and flowers. And her birthday wasn’t last Monday – not unless she celebrates her birthday four times a year. I was a little bit relieved, not in a spiteful way but it was nice to know the place from whence Rosie-Lynn’s spitefulness emanated.

A group of us went out to lunch, but Rosie-Lynn didn’t come with us thank goodness. And when we got back to the office, Rosie Lynn was lying on the floor. She had “done herself in”.

2125. Shoes

It wasn’t at all a pleasant experience, as you, Dear Reader, are about to find out. Janice had had a lovely afternoon. It was her birthday, and her friend, Bridget, had popped around for a natter and a cup of tea. The visit lasted a lot longer than intended, and several cups of tea were produced over the afternoon.

They chatted about all sorts of things, but mainly (would you believe) about shoes. The topic was prompted by Bridget’s brand new shoes. They were quite ordinary, but nice enough. Bridget was still “breaking them in”. She had a little blister on her left heel, despite the shoes having been advertised as “comfortable”. Of course they talked about other things, but shoes seemed to be the main theme threading the conversation.

Eventually Bridget left, and Janice sat down to watch television.

About an hour later there was a knock at the door. Janice answered. There stood a man, tall and skinny, with a mask covering his face. He didn’t look nice. Suddenly, from behind his back he produced something; Bridget’s shoes.

“You might want these,” he said, and dropped them at Janice’s feet.

He sauntered off. He disappeared.

(This story was inspired by a story by Iseult Murphy).