Bonnie was an aspiring artist. She painted. She had little to no talent, but at an artists’ convention she won a chance to have an exhibition at the local gallery.
Bonnie was over the moon. It motivated her to paint even more incomprehensible works of art. By now, the town was plastered with posters advertising the event.
Bonnie had gone along to the gallery – not to supervise – but to excitedly witness the curator and staff hang the exhibits. What a thrill! It was while sitting down to rest her weary feet that Bonnie overheard the curator chatting in the next room.
“Bonnie’s paintings are rarely awful.”
Bonnie was tickled pink! The curator’s standards were astronomically high. Rarely awful! Rarely awful! She glowed as she repeated the phrase out aloud with delight all the way home.
Bonnie’s paintings are rarely awful. Rarely awful! Rarely awful!
At the opening of the exhibition on the Thursday evening the curator was even more effusive. He heartily shook Bonnie’s hand and practically burst with enthusiasm. He said, “Good is not the word.”
It was no fault of Mavis that she was born with two noses. She had four nostrils. It didn’t seem to add to her sense of smell; in fact compared to some her smell appeared sometimes below par.
Some people were appalled at the sight of her, but it’s amazing what you can get used to with familiarity. It’s only ignorance that prevents people from looking beyond appearances. Yes, I suppose Mavis having two noses and four nostrils did make her ugly to look at and difficult to relate to, but underneath she had a sparkling personality and that’s what matters.
Not even having four ears could distract from her noses. She “cheated” a bit with her ears because she let her hair grow down over them and most people didn’t notice. It was only at secondary school when her calculating calculus teacher got scissors and cut Mavis’s hair off to illustrate a point about the number 4 that people began to realize that she had extra ears. “Spare ears” the calculus teacher called them. Again, having an extra two ears didn’t seem to add to her aural perceptions. In fact, to hear her sing was a clear sign that she was tone deaf.
To be fair, her tone deafness might not have been brought about by having four ears. It might have been caused by the fact that she had two tongues. She wasn’t (dear me, no) born with two tongues. She was late in starting to learn to talk so her father split her tongue in the manner (now banned) of splitting a magpie’s tongue to facilitate human speech in the magpie. It made little difference to Mavis. She was still a late developer when it came to speech and always spoke with a lisp.
It wasn’t so much her lisp that was annoying; it was her stutter. She had the most terrible stutter, and with a split tongue we had the odious obligation to sit patiently while she said everything twice.
It’s not impossible that by now you’ve heard enough about Mavis to get a picture of her. She had lots of other things of interest with her body as well, like a fifth arm that poked out of her neck. All that need be said is that Mavis’s luck changed around her twentieth birthday. A fairly insignificant artist – Pablo someone – asked her to pose for a painting. She did so, and has never looked back.
Day 1: What fun it will be posing for an artist. Of course, I have the body for it. And what fun to wear scanty clothing and get paid for it. The artist is soooo sexy. He paints just in jeans, with a ripped T shirt. I’ll have no trouble looking sexy for his painting.
Day 2: Can I put my arms down now? Do I have to keep still all day with my hands behind my head? WHY CAN’T I PUT MY ARMS DOWN?
Day 3: Can I put my arms down now? It hurts.
Day 4: Shit.
Day 5: I’m not going to work today. As far as I’m concerned, he can find another model.
When Mitchell stood up straight from weeding the garden, he accidentally hit his head on a plank that the house painters had placed between two ladders. It was quite a severe knock and Mitchell had concussion. He spent three days in hospital before returning home.
What amazed people, including specialists, was that the accident seemed to have activated a section of his brain hitherto dormant. Suddenly Mitchell discovered he could paint pictures of cute field mice; field mice in a corn field; field mice eating cheese; field mice taunting cats. He even painted a delightfully intricate picture of a mouse flying a de Havilland Tiger Moth aircraft! These paintings sold for hefty prices; so hefty in fact that Mitchell and his wife were able to purchase a house free from debt.
“They’re not simply pictures of mice,” said the curator of the city museum, “it’s the thought processes behind it. Mitchell is able to convey feelings of beauty, insignificance, aloneness, grandeur. Even the sky above the mice conveys varying deep emotions. With one knock on the head he is able to portray scenes of incomparable exquisiteness.”
Unfortunately, Mitchell drove his wife to drink. He was totally nuts.
Stella had the most beautiful hair. Her hair was the envy of everyone. All who saw it couldn’t help but gush with wonder and admiration. It was almost as if Stella was a mutation. Her hair was probably why the artist had asked Stella if she would mind posing for a painting.
“Just look up to the ceiling for a minute if you would,” asked the painter.
“Turn your head slightly to the right,” asked the painter.
“Gently frisk your hair to the left. Just a little! Perfect!” said the artist.
“All done,” said the artist. Pablo Picasso put down his brushes.
Stella had the most beautiful hair. It was just a shame she had only one eye and in the middle of her forehead, three ears, and a nose that pointed in two directions at once.