2629. The end of the Egg-Timer

I’m afraid I can’t feel the slightest bit of sympathy for the Egg-Timer, said the Toaster at the emergency meeting called for all the kitchen appliances. She (the Egg-Timer) has sat here on the window ledge for years in a smug manner – in fact Egg-Timers in general have sat smugly in the world’s kitchens for hundreds of years. Three minutes one way, and three minutes the other way.  Like sand in an hourglass so are the days of their lives. Three minutes one way for soft boiled, and an extra three minutes the other way for hard boiled.

I can see why she (the Egg-Timer) feels overworked. Well, I’m going to tell you a secret. It’s been bothering me for some time. I have checked numerable times with the oven clock and I tell you; she (the Egg-Timer) is thirteen seconds short of the three minutes. It’s shocking! An undercooked egg could be hazardous to health.

This is a very good reason not to boil an egg, said the Frying Pan. She (the Egg-Timer) has been poaching my position for years.

I think we should take a vote. All those in favour of ousting the Egg-Timer from the kitchen in place of the timer on the phone, please say Aye.

It appears to be unanimous. Henceforth the Egg-Timer is a thing of the past. Long live the phone! Now for the Salt Pig…

2266. Kitchen gadgetry

It had been a difficult time for Annie. She knew she wasn’t living in cuckoo land, but everyone else seemed to think so. No one believed her when she spoke of what had happened to her; where she had gone and why. Now she simply shut up about it except on rare occasions. If the person had asked kindly she didn’t mind too much narrating her experience, but usually she resented being pooh-poohed.

Her abduction naturally wasn’t voluntary. The aliens had been polite but firm. She had been selected because she was practical in the kitchen. They wanted to ask her about ordinary kitchen utensils. Most of them they couldn’t work out what they were for. A hand-beater for example; what was it used for and how?

Annie discovered that the aliens had every kitchen utensil and appliance under the sun, and wanted to have an entire room in the main museum on their home planet dedicated to Earthling Kitchen Gadgetry. Annie thought it quite fun to tell them all sorts of tall stories. A spatula, for example, was used for beating a wayward child. A frying pan was for smashing eggs; just place half a dozen eggs on the bench and smash them with a frying pan. A garlic press was for destoning plums. There was nothing that Annie didn’t make up a story about. Next time you go to the aliens’ museum you’ll see how wrong they have got the labelling. That’s because of Annie’s stories.

“That’s absolutely fascinating, Annie,” said the nurse. “The doctor will see you in a minute.”