1805. Motherly advice

Look, I told my son. Look, I said. I told you how to do it but you wouldn’t listen. And now you’re in deep trouble. You’re just like your father was, I said, always acting before thinking things through.

I tried to warn you, but oh no! Young people always know better these days. Well in this case I knew better, from personal experience. You didn’t listen, so now you’ll have to pay for the consequences on your own. I’ve achieved what you’ve achieved I suppose a dozen times or so, but without any of the hassle.

I’ve come across so many like you. They all thought they knew better. They just ignored common sense advice. And now look at them.

You know I’ve been wanting you to do what you did for a long time, but not in the way you went about it. If you’d asked me I could have given you names to help. From now on it’s nothing to do with me. Just don’t involve me.

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you twice: if you were going to murder your father you didn’t have to do it yourself. You hire a professional. I could have helped with the cost. Now look at the mess you’re in.

1234. Admonition

Look, said Cyril, I would very much like to give you some friendly advice and admonition. It’s not really my job to do so, but I feel that someone should. Is that alright?

Yes, said I. I’m quite open to hear what you have to say.

Well, said Cyril, I notice you talk too much and I wondered if you could learn to shut your mouth a bit more. Also, what you have to say is never really well thought out. You seem to spout on about nothing, just as if it is the first and only thing that comes into your head. I notice too when you eat you’re inclined to bolt your food down. Strictly speaking you should chew your food thirty-two times, so I am told, but you seem to give it a couple of chews and swallow. Also, I don’t think much of your choice in clothes. You might think what you wear is the fashion, but really it’s far too gaudy for my taste and you need to tone it down a bit. I saw when you drove off in the car the other day that you drove too fast. This is a busy street and someone’s cat or dog or child might get hurt because of your carelessness. Drive a little slower. Finally, although the list could go on, you don’t seem to respect older people such as myself. Just the other day I observed that when you went through the door when I was following you didn’t step aside to let me go first, which any younger person with manners would have done.

Thank you, Cyril, said I disarmingly. I appreciate the time and thought you have put in to this admonition. It’s often never easy to do. In return, to show my gratitude, I wish you only one thing: I hope you die.

1194. Pub corner

Yeah. Well. I was sitting unobtrusively in the corner of this pub having a think and having a quiet drink and smoking a cigarette which I had just taken up again after eleven years off them. And this guy comes up to me and says, hey, have you ever thought of doing something useful with your life?

And I say, yeah, like what?

And he says, I dunno. Get married and have kids and do something useful, instead of smoking and drinking on your own in a corner.

And I say I’ve got a wife and kids already.

And he says, well how come they’re not here or at least your wife? She might enjoy a night out.

So I stood up and socked him the biggest punch on his jaw I could muster. He fell down and I kicked him in the crotch and left.

Some people don’t know how to mind their fucking business.