Tag Archives: accident

2451.  An accidental murder

Charlene hadn’t meant to murder her husband in quite such a spectacular way. She had intended to shoot him with a gun, but the bayonet attached to the end of the rifle got in the way and she accidentally stabbed him in the chest. In the long run it turned out a lot better than the original plan.

It wasn’t an intended stabbing as such, but as she was coming along the passageway towards the bedroom with the loaded rifle, she tripped on the cat at the very moment her husband appeared at the bedroom door to find out what all the noise was about. The action of Charlene falling over the cat created enough impact to stab and kill her husband.

The rifle with the attached bayonet was part of a collection of Charlene’s husband’s war paraphernalia. I presumed your Honour, said Charlene at the trial, that the gun was not loaded.

The thing the judge couldn’t understand was why she should have been walking down the passageway with a bayonetted rifle if she hadn’t intended to use it.

“There is a totally logical explanation,” declared Charlene. (She had had a month or two to reflect upon the incident). “The roller blind in the bedroom was jammed and I needed a long pointy stick to reach up to loosen the stuck blind. The rifle with the bayonet was all I could find.”

The jury found Charlene not guilty. It was a fortuitous thing indeed, in which Charlene not only got rid of her husband, but got off scot-free as well. Charlene’s husband’s brother knew Charlene had lied and accidentally blew her head off.

2440. Piano was her forte

Sheila von Clavichord was a fabulous concert pianist. She was also a fabulous violinist, although piano was her forte. Her concert tickets always sold out within hours of the booking office opening. The catch was that no one knew when they bought a ticket which of the two instruments she would play. She never played both at the same concert; it was either piano or violin for the whole evening.

Mr. Grant Officer was fortunate enough to lay his hands on a ticket. He turned up to the concert venue with a great deal of anticipation. Would she play violin or piano? The venue filled. The doors were shut. The concert began.

Sheila von Clavichord had barely intoned the second chord of Rachmaninoff’s Prelude in C Sharp Minor when the piano lid crashed down onto her fingers. As the review in the paper the next morning said: She can put the lid on her career. That’ll teach the silly person not to have chosen to play the violin.

2423.  A memorable performance

Bronwyn hired a bubble machine for her class’s stage performance. It was “Grandparents’ Day” at school. The children were to stage a little play to entertain the grandparents. When the performance was over they would have a cup of coffee made of course by the class.

One of the exciting things Bronwyn had done with the class was to make stilts. During the play all the children had mastered stilt walking and would do a little dance. It was quite safe as the stilts weren’t very high.

The curtains opened! The play began! The bubble machine began to shower the stage with glorious bubbles. There wasn’t a grandparent who didn’t ooh and aah. It was time for the stilt dancers to enter.

Oh dear! The soapy bubbles had made the floor very slippery. Three stilt walkers slipped and broke legs. Grandpa Ned went up on stage to rescue them. He slipped and did his hip in. Bronwyn rushed on stage to turn the bubble machine off. She slipped and broke her wrist.

All in all it was a very memorable performance. Coffee was cancelled.

2420. Grateful for small mercies

When Chloe lost her head it was terribly dramatic. She lost her head not in a figurative way, but literally – when she crashed her car into a power pole. At the same time she also lost both arms and everything from her belly button up.

“Thank goodness she still has two legs,” said her mother, “else she wouldn’t be able to get around. I’m more than aware of the sacrifice I have to make to feed her through tubes in her knees. It takes up a lot of my time. But how lucky can one get? One has to admit that when the specialists sewed her two legs onto a wooden plank so she could walk again she was lucky to survive the operation. It was touch and go for a while. One must be grateful for small mercies.”

“Of course,” continued Chloe’s mother, “she costs me a small fortune in shoes, but it is balanced by her not needing anything else to wear. And if she’s feeling creative – mothers know these things – I decorate her legs with removable tattoo thingies and sometimes with ribbons.”

“When her legs are all dolled up what a pretty picture she presents. Everyone who passes in the street stares mouth agape in obvious admiration.”

2391. The marvels of technology

It was indeed a marvel of modern technology that so many people were able to capture on phone the falling of Avery Brown from 400 feet up in the Ferris wheel. He hit a few steel bars on the way down. It was a pretty bumpy flight. Neville Noonan reckoned, watching his video frame by frame, that the kid must have bounced around eleven times on the way down.

There were thirty-one recordings of the fall handed in to police. “This is an overwhelming help to discover exactly what happened,” said Police Officer Barney Meldrum. “Unfortunately there are five or six videos that are practically worthless, having recorded not the fall but simply the mess on the ground. We all know what that looked like. But generally speaking the public support has been amazing.”

Nana Vilovsky is an investigative journalist. She read about the incident online. She was able to get a snapshot of the fall from one of the witnesses to put on the front-page. Facebook is fortunately a veritable gold mine of what people are saying. It always produces information that is newsworthy, although Nana Vilovsky had to make a bit up because Avery Brown’s mother refused to be interviewed and was apparently distraught. “At least she has a video to remember her son’s last moments,” wrote Nana Vilovsky.

Someone called Kerry Johns or Jones was able to point out that the tragedy of Avery Brown’s flight had little to do with anything serious. “If you want to get serious just think how many people will be tempted to jump off the Ferris wheel once global warming takes effect,” commented Kerry on Twitter.

Ngaire Pinkum said it was a shame. She had the sound turned on to record but the screams of onlookers in the fairground, drowned out the loud splat he made when he landed.  “I can still hear it in my head;” she said, “the splat. If the sound had been clearer a lot more people would’ve downloaded it.”

Noddy Barberon, a sixteen year old visiting from North Dakota, spoke for everyone when he said, “I hope they are not going to shut down the Ferris wheel for an hour or two. I’m only here for a short stay.”

Finally, Elsie Styvenberg was able to point out that because of the hub-bub over the kid on the Ferris wheel, hardly anyone took any notice of the toddler later who got run over by the bumper cars.

2303. Stage fright

Charlie was the lead pig in a musical production of Animal Farm. An accident happened towards the end of the third performance. Charlie had to sit at a table and drink tea. It was then that he spilt tea all over his lap and it left a big wet patch. He finished his performance looking as though he had wet his pants. The costume would be permanently stained if it wasn’t cleaned immediately.

He took it straight to the dry-cleaners first thing in the morning. “I need the costume for tonight’s performance,” Charlie told the woman at the dry-cleaning counter. “Could it be cleaned as a priority?”

Charlie was told that he could pick it up at 5.30 pm. The curtains opened at 7. Charlie arrived to pick up the costume early. It was 5.15 – and the place was all locked up. No one was about. Clearly they had finished the day early.

Dear Reader, you shall be spared the details. For the next hour Charlie raced around in a panic. He managed to locate the owner. The costume was collected. It was a quarter to 7. Only 15 minutes to get ready. He dressed in his pig costume at home and raced in the car to the theatre. It was now 5 to 7. Charlie was sweating like a pig.

The theatre was locked. It was Wednesday. There was no performance on Wednesdays.

2268. Dulcie’s French onion soup

Dulcie was having the worst day possible. She had planned to have a lovely day. She would potter in the sunshine in her garden and in the evening when the day turned chilly she would light the fire and cook up a big comforting dish of French onion soup.

The first crisis occurred when she realized she was out of bread. The local baker usually had a little of yesterday’s bread. Stale bread was best for onion soup. She would get some of that. No sooner had she left the baker’s in her car when she hit a pedestrian. Dulcie had been driving at a fair speed and the pedestrian appeared from nowhere. It was an old lady with a walker. It wasn’t Dulcie’s fault but it certainly contributed to her day not going well.

Upon eventually arriving home she realized that she was out of onions. Why oh why hadn’t she checked before she left home the first time? It was back into the car.

As she passed the spot where she had hit the little old lady it was a great relief. Clearly someone must have found the body. It had been taken away.

2176. Whizzing along

Neil was whizzing along the highway in his little blue car when suddenly a bit fell off. He wasn’t sure what bit it was but couldn’t stop because there was traffic everywhere and they were moving along as if in convoy at a reasonable rate.

Anyway, the car seemed to be going well, and then the outside mirrors on both sides fell off. Before he could think, the hood (bonnet) had blown off and then the trunk (boot). Next he saw a wheel race along the road ahead of him, and then another.

It didn’t take long before he was whizzing along clinging to nothing but the steering wheel.  Next thing, wouldn’t you know it, even the steering wheel zoomed off into nowhere.

It was then Neil realized what had happened. A few miles back on the road he was in a car accident. He was dead. Now he was whizzing along in another dimension altogether.

2139. Everything was hunky-dory

Everything was hunky-dory. Stan had arranged the murder to perfection. Absolutely nothing could go wrong. His wife was definitely on her last legs. He had cut the brake cable on her car. Next time she went out she need only drive out the gate, onto the road, and over the cliff.

“Goodbye, Honey,” he said cheerfully as Patsy left to go shopping. “I’ll open the driveway gate for you.”

“That’s very kind,” said Patsy as she climbed into the car.

Stan opened the gate and stood there ready to close it after she had passed. All was going well. Everything was hunky-dory. Patsy headed for the gate. Her foot slipped on the accelerator.

No brakes.