2668. Life is so fragile

Dwayne was well aware, as he took his seven heart medication pills every morning, that all he need do was to pop a couple more pills in his mouth and his wife could live happily ever after on their life’s savings.

“You know,” said Dwayne to Avril his wife, “all I need do is pop a couple of extra pills into my mouth and I’d be dead meat. Life is so fragile.”

“Which pills in particular?” asked Avril.

“These ones and these ones,” said Dwayne gesturing to a couple of little plastic jars of pills.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Avril looked a picture of grief at his funeral. Currently she’s in Honolulu with her new boyfriend.

2667. On this particular day

How rich is the tapestry of life! Hopefully this story will broaden your cultural horizon, counter any lurking ethnocentricity, and enrich your life. Below are snippets of conversations and thoughts I jotted down while celebrating with friends in a pub this afternoon.

Елизавета and Владимир were celebrating their engagement.

“I didn’t think we’d ever make it this far,” said Владимир.

 “I always trusted our relationship,” said Елизавета.

Елизавета poured another glass of beer from the jug. “Would you like a refill, Владимир?” she asked.

“Yes please, Елизавета,” said Владимир.

Владимир raised his glass to make a toast. “A toast before we get the taxi home,” he said. “Here’s to St Patrick’s Day in our City of Dublin.”

2666. Shadows

Clint was sitting at his desk happily typing away. He was simply answering an email from an old school friend of years back. Unexpectedly on the corner wall, just above the computer screen, a shadow of someone’s head appeared.

 Clint turned and looked behind him. There was no sunshine streaming into the room through the window. There was no one standing there.

It became a bit scary to say the least. Clint resumed typing, but began to grow more afraid.

Suddenly, curved around the shadow of the head, there appeared the shadow of the curved blade of a scythe.

When his wife, Tilly, brought in a nice cup of tea, Clint was dead. Tilly tried to revive him but to no avail. She rushed to the next room to find the phone. She did not notice, but on the corner wall just above the sofa, a shadow of someone’s head appeared.

2665. My Bank Service

Hello. This is Molly phoning from your Bank. You have been selected at random to take part in giving feedback on our service. From 1 to 10 how would you rate our service?

One!

Why one?

Because Zero wasn’t an option.

2664. To win the day

Pam was the mother of the groom. She had found the bride’s mother loud and offensive. She had tried to be polite in the weeks leading up to the wedding but she might as well have been talking to a brick wall.

“The bridesmaids will be wearing pale blue. Try to wear something to match colour-wise. And try to be a little fashionable. The shoes you wore to Denise’s wedding were abominable. This is my daughter’s wedding; try not to spoil it.”

Pam smiled politely, but the bride’s mother’s remarks had cut her to the quick. It was after all her son’s wedding too. Of course she wanted to look her best. Pam planned her outfit meticulously. She didn’t want to upstage the bride and she wasn’t exactly made of money.

The wedding day came. The bride’s mother arrived looking like she was a transgender heading for a strip show at a children’s library. Pam arrived in a simple dark green skirt with a pale cream blouse and with gold-painted wooden Swedish clogs and a straw sunhat. It was different and stuck out a mile, and yet she looked stunning. It was exactly right.

A few talked about the bride. No one talked about the bride’s mother. Everyone was gobsmacked by the simplicity and sheer beauty of the groom’s mother. When an inebriated bride’s mother accidentally spilled red wine all over her daughter’s wedding dress, the bride’s mother declared: “Don’t fret. Ask Pam if she’s got a spare set of gardening clothes.” No one laughed. Pam never viewed the wedding as a competition, but the bride’s mother knew that Pam had won the day.

2663. Final exam

It had been a long four years for Eldridge. He wasn’t the brightest star in the sky but he worked hard at his studies. He wasn’t thick either. He was of average intelligence pursuing a fairly challenging cytological degree specializing in chromatids of metaphase chromosomes.

His final exam was coming up. Eldridge studied like there was no tomorrow. A science laboratory in his very city was after a young, enthusiastic technician specializing in chromatids of metaphase chromosomes. Eldridge applied and got the job provided he passed his final exam. Such a promise made Eldridge study even harder.

Well as luck would have it Eldridge passed his final exam with flying colours! Unfortunately the laboratory had moved to China. Three years later Eldridge was still stacking shelves in a supermarket.

2662. A Goodnight Sleep

Dominic had looked forward to his new bed being delivered. He had ordered it online and for a few extra dollars the furniture shop would deliver a bed base and mattress. It was a simple single bed; there was no need for something big and fancy.

For the last week or so he had slept on the floor on a pile of soft folded duvets. His old mattress had sprung a spring. He didn’t even know that mattresses these days still had springs. A sharp pointed spring had popped out through the worn king size mattress in the middle of the night. He had rolled over and the spring cut his arm; not too badly, but it took him a while to work out what had happened.

The bed arrived! Dominic set it up. An early bed was on the cards! He was overly tired. The duvets on the floor had not provided restful sleeps.

Dominic slept soundly. He turned in his sleep. His sleeping mind had not adjusted to a less-wide bed. He fell on the floor, hit his head on the lamp stand, and died.

That is why this story is called “A Goodnight Sleep” and not “A Good Night’s Sleep”.

2661. An accidental death

Errol explained to the policeman that the shooting of his wife had been an accident. He had simply taken his handgun to clean, and before he could even check to ensure it was bullet-less he accidentally pulled the trigger. The bullet hit his wife who slumped dead over the dining table. She had been placing a freshly washed table cloth.

The body was still slumped there in a pool of blood. Errol had immediately phoned for the police.

The local policeman arrived. Errol was still holding the handgun, he was so shocked. Even though he knew that Errol wasn’t dangerous, the policeman called for backup. That was when Errol accidentally shot the policeman. He slumped over Errol’s wife’s corpse.

That’ll teach them both from having an affair.

2660. Intergalactic mining

Of course the abundance of diamonds and platinum on the exoplanet meant that diamonds and platinum were practically valueless there. From the point of view of Earthlings however, the planet could be viewed as a goldmine (in a manner of speaking). That is why Anselm Bloemendal had landed on the planet with a pick, a shovel, and a cardboard box.

Anselm’s private spacecraft couldn’t take a heavy load, but a boxful was more than enough to make him filthy rich on Planet Earth.

One of the hazards that Anselm had learnt from previous visits was the prowling curiosity of the local intelligent beings. They looked a little like large lizards and were forever getting in his way. This time Anselm came prepared. He had brought a gun. The first lizard to bother him would get shot. That should keep them away. However it took the shooting of seven lizards before realization set in that from the lizards’ point of view, distracting the Earthling was not a safe thing to do.

Some members of the local Council of Lizards had suggested that the Earthling be killed, but the Lizard President forbade it. “Stay away from it,” the President had said. “But if it comes near you without cause then kill it instantly.”

Anselm’s mining soon filled the cardboard box. He returned to his spacecraft. The spacecraft wouldn’t start. Its solar panels couldn’t harvest enough energy from the pathetic sun which the exoplanet circled. Anselm would have to seek help from the locals.

2659. A national census

Hello every person. This is part of the national census being conducted on the evening of March 9^th. You have only four months to fill it out. Given the sensitivity in today’s world of many of the questions asked in yesteryear, today’s census has only the one question.

Question 1. What a catastrophe! What a shameless display of irresponsible devastation! What wreckage! Mindless debris! Kitchen scraps of pseudo-intellectual rubble! Higgledy-piggledy unmitigated nonsense! Sacks of mouth-spewing garbage!

We respect your right to say what you think, but…

Get a life, you retarded hedgehog! You aphis-ridden raspberry bush. Nest of rotten skylark’s eggs. Broken peacock’s tail-feathers. Dead mosquito-glutted dragonfly’s stagnant creek. Dinosaur turds. Murderous lump of foul jelly. Shakespearian sonnet. Amorphous hunk of incontinent confectionery. Dried-up udder of a moose bull’s mother. Stag plaque. Duck’s bladder. Armpit of bottled quince jelly. Ashtray.

With your opinions have you ever thought of running as a candidate for (enter the name of the Political Party you most detest)?

Please post this completed census form in the envelope provided.