Vernon was the head organist at a notable cathedral in a major city. (It’s no use trying to guess where it was because this is fiction). Vernon couldn’t remember how many sermons he had endured.
During the sermon Vernon used to pop out onto the tower balcony for a quick cigarette. He could easily duck out because he was in the organ loft high above the clergy and congregation. He looked way down on them and his disappearance would not be noticed from below.
He could vaguely hear the preacher from the tower balcony. Sometimes, if the preacher droned on, Vernon could have several cigarettes. Being the only one ever to use the balcony (it was blocked to tourists) Vernon had an old plum jam tin where he chucked his butts. It was a large tin, and in the eleven years of being the head organist he had emptied it three times. As he said to his wife, “It shows you how many sermons I’ve endured.”
On this particular Sunday (it being a notable feast day) the visiting preacher was particularly wordy. Vernon was hearing for the third time that “perdition awaits those who don’t agree” when he realized he had accidentally locked himself out on the cathedral tower balcony.
This was the very weekend that his wife had gone to visit her elderly mother in another city quite distant from the cathedral city. His disappearance would not be noticed.
What a shemozzles! No one could hear him call out and he’d locked the door from the church up into the organ loft, so no one could dash up to find out why he wasn’t intoning the hymns on the organ. Nor was it one of those Sundays when the choir was there.
The visiting clergyman used his initiative, and in the event of not having an organist simply intoned the opening words of each hymn and the congregation took it up without accompaniment.
The service was over. Everyone went home, except for Vernon high in the tower locked out on the little balcony.
The day turned into afternoon; the afternoon to evening; the evening to night. It was starting to get cold; very cold. Vernon had wet his pants. He was out of cigarettes. Have you ever tried to break down a centuries-old iron door on an ancient gothic cathedral? And then it started to rain. He would die of the cold before he starved to death.
That was when Vernon remembered his cell phone.
Cell phones were invented to ruin a good story….but you had me going, I was sure he was going to burn down Notre Dame.
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He probably did (burn down Notre Dame)! The organist going out for a smoke during the sermon (not the bit about getting locked out) is considerably autobiographical!
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I would’ve just been devastated when I ran out of cigarettes….though that’s all in the past now I gave up a year ago in April. Although strangely I’ve really been craving them the last couple of months. I won’t give in though.
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Same here re the devastation belonging to the running out of smokes – I couldn’t go to bed at night without checking to see if there were enough smokes in the packet for morning! It’s great you gave up – I gave up 14 years ago. It’s made not a scrap of difference to my well-being and the day I get diagnosed with cancer (and win the lottery) I shall take it up again!
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I think it’s made mine worse – I’ve suddenly got a raft of ailments I never had before. I’ll be joining you…
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A least the raft (or ailments) means you can paddle in a new direction!
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And then he had no reception!
Oh, how the tables turn, Vernon! You should have never left your old parents home in Odebolt, Iowa. And now you die! Ah!
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He would have been much better off in Odebolt. The biggest religious sect in that part of the world is the Dutch Reformed Church, and they don’t cotton to fancy organ music.
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Anyway – re the Dutch Reformed Church – how the heck would you expect an organist to play the foot pedals wearing clogs?
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Probably why organ music isn’t popular with them.
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Playing with clogs could sound very wooden.
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I guess he could’ve stayed, but with a population of 1,153 people it was getting kind of crowded.
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I have a close friend who grew up in Canton South Dakota, quite close to Odebolt Iowa, actually. He now lives in Virginia.
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Your friend certainly gets around. My local town in childhood had a pub and a shop and was called Onga Onga – but we locals called it Onga for short.
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Two Ongas is certainly redundant. It was wise of you to shorten the name.
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I agree that two Ongas is overdone; sort of like tutu – why have tu when one will do?
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Exactly.
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1,153? Hold on, it was 1,154 just last week. I bet cousin Nancy killed another one of her husbands. I can’t believe I’m steam-ironing my only black suit for the fourth time this year.
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Wikipaedia is frequently out of date when it comes to numbers. Don’t steam-iron stuff. I’m starting a crumbled-look trend. It saves time. I never knew Nancy was your cousin otherwise I would never have lent her my garden spade.
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Too bad the cigarette place doesn’t do delivery. What’s he going to do with a cellphone anyway?
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He’s going to phone up and try to get a dry pair of pants.
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Makes sense. If you’re gonna be starved for nicotine you might as well have dry pants.
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Yes – that’s been my experience.
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This one struck a chord with me…I’m still giggling.
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Thank you! Don’t choke on the giggles!
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Phew, technology to the rescue, in the nick of time. I hope.
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The other day I mislaid my phone so I phoned the number on the landline to find out where I’d put it. All I got was “This number is no longer valid and has not been in operation for several years.” That goes to show how often I use the thing!
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Oh, you’re such a ludite.
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At least I didn’t destroy the phone but it came in handy several years ago when the car broke down.
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That was a really great story but I got here too late and all the clever comments have been taken.
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Your presence is an honor enough, Herb!
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Thank you!
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That is such a rich story, laden with vivid audiovisual images. I was sucked into the proceedings and was suspended tenuously from the cliffhanger along with the protagonist when you broached the idea of his phone. At any rate, I figured, there is no way a protagonist in a Bruce Goodman story can have a cellphone with a live battery.
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Ha ha! Let’s hope the phone wasn’t too wet!!
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