Aunt Lola was a drunk. She’d start drinking at about nine o’clock each day and would be drunk as a skunk by lunchtime. She used to knit, and half the time she didn’t know if she was knitting purl or plain, but it didn’t matter because she had no clue whether she was making a pullover or a pair of socks.
And selfish! She’d ask if anyone wanted a chocolate, and she’d produce a big box of chocolates, and when all the kids said “Yes!” she’d take a chocolate and unwrap it slowly and pop it in her mouth and say “Ha ha ha”. Everyone else got nothing as she slowly sucked on her chocolate.
And dirty too. I don’t know if she ever showered. She stunk. Apparently when she died they had to use a pair of scissors to cut her underwear off. It was stuck to her skin. Yuck!
She was one of the nastiest people I have ever met. A total conniving vixen, if you ask me.
Finally, I’d like to thank her kids for asking me to speak at her funeral today.
To listen to the story being read click HERE!
I may rescind my request to have you speak at my funeral, if it’s all the same with you.
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You won’t have a say in it!! Now what was it you were knitting?
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I’m doomed. My niece is also writing a eulogy, but far as I can tell, it’s all about her. I might as well give you her email address and keep knitting this … thing.
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😀 Let’s hope your niece doesn’t confuse Aunt Yvonne’s knits with nits.
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Very funny – didn’t see that one coming.
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Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it!
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Ouch! I was sucked in by the pretty picture and hit over the head with the first sentence. Haven’t even finished first coffee yet Bruce! I guess [apart from Yvonne’s] you won’t be getting any invites to eulogise at any funerals.
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Like Aunt Lola, it’s not coffee you need first thing in the morning but a jolly good whiskey! Imagine how much knitting you could get done!
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I’ll give it a try on your recommendation – it might also help me find a gentleman willing to pee on my lemon tree 🙂
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Ouch! Quick! Stick to coffee!
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Your funniest offering yet — and you’ve set the bar really high! I’m still giggling.
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Thanks, Gifford! Glad it got you giggling!
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Knit One,
Purl Two,
Bye-bye Lola,
Howdy doo…..
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Thank you for correcting my spelling of purl – it always looked wrong!
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You’re welcome. I’m a smart-ass risk-taker.
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Oh dear. What a story.:-)
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Thanks!
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Sounds to me like a pretty good eulogy. Makes everyone feel better that she’s gone.
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Yes, I guess she would have been universally
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It’s the kind of eulogy you’d like to hear when a bitter old maggot dies and instead everyone goes on about how “unique” they were or “misunderstood” or some such nonsense.
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True – so often these horrid people are turned into saints!
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Having recently had to sit in a church suffering so called eulogies of persons I knew, delivered by people who really did not know or cherish the deceased, I think all formal eulogies—especially by clergy— should be dropped completely. It is better—as in the case of Lola—not to speak unkindly of the dead.
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The clergy (RC) are not meant to deliver eulogies – that’s meant for some knowing person towards the end of the ceremony. The priest is meant to deliver a general and lovely little homily about death and life in general… 🙂 The worst one I have heard was my last school principal when a teacher died suddenly. He didn’t know anything about her and it showed.
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In the old days, in a small parish like ours, the priest did deliver the eulogy—though I know it’s not done that way now. I remember my grandmother’s raging request that we make sure the priest did not speak about her at her funeral. The gossips of the parish were quite stupefied when there was not the usual eulogy.
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A very wise grandmother to have stymied the gossips!
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Yes, I do find it strange when someone is doing the eulogy who appears not to have known the person, or worse, reads the obit!
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Agreed!
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One of the practical problems is…those best able to eulogize, because they genuinely knew and loved the person now dead, are usually too upset to be able to deliver a public speech.
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I dislike sobbing at the lectern – from clergy, Hillary, or anyone. Come to think of it, Hillary hasn’t been caught sobbing yet!
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Just wait The New Hampshire primaries are next week. (She did beat Obama in the NH primaries of 2008 by shedding some of those crocodile tears of hers…..)
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I am watching!
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You know that’s true, but I’ve seen some amazing ones where I wonder how the person found the strength. My brother delivered a truly beautiful one for my father and only had to pause once to gather himself. I could not have done it.
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Now here’s a Eulogy!
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Absolutely right! That’s a eulogy.
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Bruce, you’re back to your old tricks after lulling us into thinking we’d be getting sweetness and light!
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Lisa, old habits die hard!
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Entertaining piece with a brilliant last punchline.
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Thanks Mel. Much appreciated (I like to accept the term “brilliant” with the greatest of humility – so people are welcome to use it any time!)
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Love it Bruce! Definitely caught me! A humble brilliance! 🙂
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LOL! Thanks Rob. It’s so wonderful to be humble!!
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‘when you’re perfect in every way’! 😁
I know that feeling! 🙌😆
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You’ve just given me an idea for a story! I never mind stealing a brilliant idea and humbly crediting it to myself…
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I shall look forward to it with great reverence – humbled that I could produce the genesis of a story! 🙂
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A perfect bit of Bruce
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Thanks Derrick. I trust the “bit” is seemly.
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Why on earth would you think that?
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Because I have a superstitious mind… 😀
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I see you have already begun to eulogize poor Lola, but for the real deal you should keep balance in mind, which is to say you should not only highlight your aunt’s good points. At the moment we get an unrealistic, somewhat Pollyannish impression of the woman. Go ahead, add some shocking details, look under some rocks or under those ugly, mean-spirited garden trolls. Nobody is that good, and the tear-shedding members of the congregation will shift uneasily in their pews. Oh, they may not call you out on it, but they will be thinking that you are an insincere and conniving fox, only interested in your aunt’s sizable inheritance.
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I certainly will take your kind suggestions to heart if ever called upon to do another eulogy or panegyric (the difference between the two has always escaped me). The thought of being Pollyannish struck me to the quick. I once accused a woman of being “very nunny” and she burst into tears. Your admonition was in that ilk. I must have the wisdom and humility to seek out the bad in the bastards I have met. Thank you.
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It’s always best to go for the jugular first. You can always deal with the intricacies of slander later on. Besides, people in general need a good dressing down from time to time, and if you happen to be that instrument of public humiliation or chastisement, so be it. As to delivering another eulogy, I don’t see a problem as long as your rates are reasonable.
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Giving a person a good dressing gown seems an excellent idea, but not that handy (I suggest) if one is already dead. My panegyric rates are astronomical. The occasional fool accepts them and I get thrice as much for doing half the work.
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Let’s take the example of a Greyhound bus (or the Nouvelle-Zélande equivalent). It’s safe to assume that more people on said bus are alive than dead. The moral of this preamble is to beseech you not to waste your time dressing down the dead: the living are far better audience (more lucrative: blackmail really pays well) as they outnumber the dead. Don’t waste your talent, Bruce.
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First of all I wish to make it quite clear that I am not one of these people who travel by bus, although I have been known to instruct the chauffeur with a “Follow that bus”. AND I wouldn’t be seen dead extolling the vices of a bus traveller. It’s like the meaningless saying “Make one’s bed and lie in it”. Who these days, except bus travellers, makes their own bed?
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What a perfect eulogy! Clearly you don’t expect to be named in the will!
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She left me a badly knitted pair of woollen socks…
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There is a horrifying autobiographical ring to the post. Or am I blinded by the switch to first person narrative midway?
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The first person narrative switch – I never noticed before! It must come from deep within my psyche!
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