Please fill in the form below, answering each question thoroughly:
1. Food is not a taxable item. If however you have eaten a cherry in the last financial year, then roughly 45% of the cherry is non-edible, being the cherry stone and stem. The tax element for each cherry purchased is 22% of the total cost of each cherry divided by 45%. Multiply this by the total number of cherries devoured. If however, cherries were purchased for the hospitality industry, go to question 275 on page 84. If the cherries were purchased and allowed to go rotten before being devoured, add 7.5% for wastage tax, bearing in mind that if they were removed from your premises inside an official town collection trash bag, then 0.5% can be deducted from the 7.5%. Attach the receipt for the trash bag when sending in your tax return. If the cherries were imported from overseas, the tax rate is 47.2% per cherry, unless they were Romanian-grown, in which case the stones are inclined to be larger and the tax rate per cherry is 48.6%. If you haven’t eaten any cherries in the last 12 months, then go to the Health Section beginning on page 2,439 and explain why you’re not eating healthily. Note that a cherry on top of an ice cream sundae is regarded as part of the ice cream sundae and is taxed under the dairy section of this tax return.
2. Dried Apricots. If you have…
Listen the story being read HERE!
You would make a good Minister of Finance 😉
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Thank you. I taught the New Zealand Minister of Finance – obviously rather too well!
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Oh… Ok 😉
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YOu have captured the spirit, I think 🙂
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Thank you Sylvie. Wretched taxes!
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🙂 I see you were having to do something with tax returns when this little story was written. You have captured the spirit of the experience perfectly!
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Thank you, Pauline. I actually wrote it just yesterday, as the story scheduled for today was about Hillary Clinton (whom I loathe with a vengeance) and I thought maybe it shouldn’t be posted so I wrote a replacement.
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You couldn’t possibly loathe Hillary any more than I do. Anyway, Albert Einstein is reputed to have said (when filling out tax forms): this is too difficult for a mathematician; it takes a philosopher.
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Love the Einstein quotation (almost as much as I loathe… )
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I don’t usually loathe anybody, but I’m in a bad mood today….there’s nothing on TV except the Pope….the Pope….Il Papa….the Pope…
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It’s better than our TV – which is basically nothing other than “should we change out flag?”
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Oh well, hating on taxes might be a more universally held outlook do you think?
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Unfortunately that is the case – people seem to despise taxes more than they despise compulsive liars, thieves, and those obsessed with greed!
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Brilliant, Bruce. Is the whole tax/ welfare system designed purely to confuse? It’s contagious too – here you can’t even buy a rail ticket without being bombarded by a multitude of ‘offers’ which are impossible to fathom!
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Do you want French fries with that?
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I need a drink! Reading tax code always does that to me!
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If it did that to me I’d insist on doing my taxes every day!
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I’m so glad to know that tax instructions other places are as maddening. Maybe it’s just people interested in doing that as a job? Don’t know. Re HRC, I like Bernie Sanders myself. And the Pope, well, I managed to avoid crowds, traffic and public transport today, so am feeling good about that.
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I don’t get a vote – for any of them – which means I should either shut up about it or blather on unceasingly!
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Well, it’s too early to follow it, really, unless you want to make yourself crazily outraged at irresponsible reporting, ridiculous opinions, mendacity…
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I just want cherries now 😦
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Stoned?
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Lol, no, that would be chips or something wouldn’t it? 🙂
I actually have a little machine called a Cherry Chomper which pits the cherries. They are my favourite fruit, I take it very seriously 🙂
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Over here, they’re massively expensive.
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Uugh! Taxes are the pits! And eating cherries can be taxing! I’m glad to see that there was no tax for the percentage of undigested cherry to successfully exit as waste. 💩
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Oh, but wait. Bruce is probably not finished with his tax explanation encyclopedia.
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All the more reason and justification to hire someone to endure the headache of completing those forms!
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Pay someone to pay the government? NEVER!!! (But I do it once a year!)
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We pay the government every week. The hired tax man is there to endure the yearly headache of filling out the necessary forms to get back any “overpayment”.
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Well yes, that’s true. I got $7.89 back last year.
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👀 Your penchant for living is costing you your pension for living.
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You just wait till you’re on the penchant. You’ll be thinking how nice it would be to have a stick – I mean a walking stick…
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Oh no, by that time I’ll have a trick or two…up my sleeve. 😜
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The tax encyclopaedia is never done!
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I shall pass your concerns on to the Minister of Finance. I’m sure they could work out some form of taxation in the matter.
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Excrement! Er, I mean excellent!
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LMFFAO – I should really wipe your comment.
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Why? All your ‘regulars’ know I’m full of shit.
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All the regulars are too polite to say! (Or too polite to say they enjoy the crap you go on with…)
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LOL!
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I notice, Oscar, my compatriot, that you call that part of the cherry a “pit” as I do, and not a “stone,” so I want to reassure you that your fine pun didn’t go totally unnoticed. But whether it’s a pit or a stone, I am bemused by the use of the word “pitted,” as with cherries, or pitted olives, means the pit is removed….but shouldn’t that be “unpitted”? Can’t always figure these things out. “Stoned”…on the other hand…..
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“Stoned” on the other hand, like anything else legalized looses it’s mystique once the government decides to tax it.
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I prefer to be stoned rather than pitied.
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Pitty, one doesn’t have a say in either case.
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Very pithy, Oscar!
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Nah, just nonsensical pit-a-pat.
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Just a pit on the side.
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But I take it in stride!
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In your strides? Sounds acceptable!
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Thank you for pointing out the pun – and I dare say “pit” is the correct term although I’ve never heard it used; but “unpitted” certainly and I’ve always wondered what it meant. Apples have pips, and I was going to say peaches have kernels but Google said “peach kernels are extracted from the pits”. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if it’s just me … was I brought up in a sheltered existence and missed out on “pit” because of such, or is it a word not used here at the bottom of the world? My cherry tree is in flower at present – which is not at all a pit-ty.
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http://www.antimoon.com/forum/t13710.htm
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Thanks for the enlightenment on stone vs. pit, Bruce. I am druping with almost too much information. I suspect we will all respectively and respectfully continue to call the suckers whatever we’ve called them all along… 🙂
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Drupe was a word I have never heard until today! I notice that Bianca (from Australia) said she had a cherry pitting tool.
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I remembered the word drupe from Biology class in high school, probably because I’m a word nut and it’s a fun word. But I couldn’t have defined it again until today. Thank you, Bruce. Once a teacher, always a teacher!
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Cherries aren’t the problem. Groundnuts are the problem:
“In the Nuts (Unground)(Other than Groundnuts) Order the expression nuts
shall have reference to such nuts other than groundnuts, as would, but
for this Amending Order, not qualify as nuts (Unground)(Other than
Groundnuts) by reason of their being nuts (Unground).”
Fictitious, but fun.
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Nuts are indeed a problem – and I can think of three meanings of nuts – but there’s probably more. So, to sum up, if you’ve got nuts man you’re sunk taxation-wise.
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This is one of your more taxing offerings, Bruce. I lost the will to live, which shows how accurate you were. Oscar might like to know that certain members of my family always spout excrement in the way he has.
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😀 Thank you, Derrick. Delighted to have derived you of the will for life! A good hour foraging in the garden should restore the vitality.
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Aren’t tax forms fiction and therefore zero rated?
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What’s said when people read such fiction should be heavily censored!
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