(Today’s story is inspired by the fact that today the Queen of New Zealand , Elizabeth II, has reigned longer than the previous record-holder, Queen Victoria).
What a marvellous monarch the monarch has been. How graciously the royal duties have been performed since ascending the throne. And today, all records of longevity of reign are to be smashed: the extraordinary lengthy reign of a predecessor will be beaten by a modern counterpart.
It has been a week since the monarch’s body was discovered sitting dead on the toilet. And now the day for breaking records had arrived. The embalming fluids have done their job wondrously. No announcement announcing death need be made until the new record has been recorded.
The body sits, entombed on a throne. An official statement from the palace has announced that no speech will be given as the monarch is “feeling a little off colour”.
It’s now just four more minutes before the new record will be set! Four minutes! Three minutes!
The cameras are honing in. The crown has slipped down over the forehead. The monarch’s nose has fallen off. A seam in the stomach muscle has burst. Festering fluids swamp the white frock. The lengthy record of reign set by a predecessor still holds sway. So close! It was so close!
Oh well! We wish the latest late monarch’s successor greater luck.
Listen the story being read HERE!
Weave a Web 
Very cleaver story although it might get you sent to the tower
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I thought of that!
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A tower conjures quite the phallic imagery!
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The Tower of London is certainly where they keep the Crown Jewels!
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Yes, or so I’ve heard, they’re kept down below…
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LOL!!!! Yes – I’ve seen them!
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Pray tell. Are they as illustrious as all make them out to be and larger than life. Or a sad disappointment in their unimpressive lackluster state.
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When I saw the crown jewels at the Tower, all I could think about was the weight of them…how could one wear that stuff without getting a terrible headache, or sore muscles for days….but then I was young, and totally enthralled by the handsome Beefeater who bent down to light my cigarette while I was waiting in line……..
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Sadly, the only Beefeater I’ve come across comes in a bottle.
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I eat beef – if it’s any consolation.
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A beef eating billy goat? Will this world’s wonders never cease?
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You smoked in front of the Crown Jewels!
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I smoked in front of anything and everything in those days. And to this day I always specify Beefeaters when ordering a classic martini. 🙂
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We are not amused. Not merely amused, that is, but finding this so freaking droll as to cause unseemly, unqueenly paroxysms of laughter, and threaten a fluid incontinence from the nether regions of our person.
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Thank you. May the sun never set on such incontinence.
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The queen would if she could agree with you, but to nod in acquiescence at this point would be to suffer self decapitation.
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Off with her head!
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Oh my ears and wiskers…
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Heirs – not ears…
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Of course not, that would be putting on airs.
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And such is life: a Long Terrain that must be endured only to end up on the shitter!
The first time I ever heard that expression, “on the throne”. Was from my first boyfriend in high school. His stepfather was a open minded man and we got along famously. On this occasion my query of his absence was off handedly replied, “he’s sitting on the throne”. My fifteen year old, English as a second language mind failed to grasp the euphemism. The contorted expression on my countenance was quickly smoothed out with the explanation, “he’s taking a shit!”
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LOL! I grew up – even here in the Antipodes – with the expression “on the throne”!
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Well, it is the one place we can sit, relieve ourselves of the toxins in our life and feel like king of the world!
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Just wipe away all cares…
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Oh stop it! You’re making me flush!
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What can I say. 😀 😀 😀 Long live the longest reigning queen.
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Just cut the crap! And add to your statement – and may she see sense and abdicate as one should in ones dotage
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😀 😀 😀
There ya go!
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I have long wondered if she is just a bag of dried, queenly attire……….. have you inadvertently hit upon the truth of the matter? Anything to keep Charles from the throne perhaps?
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Yes – Charlie might well be the end of the monarchy – at least for NZ.
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This one is too hot to handle for a member of a former colony!
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LOL! No one seems to be celebrating the event anyway – not even the queen herself!
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Clearly it was a royal pain to keep her body intact, and the royal embalmer didn’t do a good job!
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LOL – although 60 or so years is not bad for an embalmer!
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An excellently macabre take on our obsession with the record.
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I notice that the queen herself is not “celebrating” the fact! But I bet you she has a gin!
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I am great admirer of the queen, although more sceptical about her son, and I expect even she would find this to be very amusing. I certainly did
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Thanks Peter. Yes, I’m pretty pro-Elizabeth II as well. If the monarchy survives her son, especially in the antipodean colonies, then it could last another 1000 years!
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Ah, poor Lilibet – I guess it takes a former colonist to give the Queen the proper respect she deserves. 😀
Your story was clever and funny! The comments made were equally enjoyable – especially about the crown jewels…
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Thanks Kate. I’m thinking of doing away with the stories (just kidding) and just leave things up to the clever comments people make!
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You made me laugh. The commenters need your inspiration for their ‘act’ – which they could take on the road. I love reading the banter. 😀
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The commentators seem to chat about anything! albeit it wise. They seem to excel in chatting about anything but what’s in the story. I always wonder, when it gets posted, what the topic of conversation might end up being about!
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