It annoyed Ella immensely. She was spitting tacks. Her husband, Abram, was addicted to reading all those safety procedures on the back of packaging. Go into a paint shop and he’d be reading what paint was harmful to aquatic life, and what bottle of turpentine if spilt on the skin could form a rash. Go into a garden shop and it was the insect sprays and plant fertilizers. Wait a week after spraying before devouring the sprayed broccoli. It drove Ella nuts. She hated going shopping with him.
“Why don’t you stop reading all that nonsense?” she would say. “All you seem interested in these days is chemical safety procedures. What about developing some proper interests? Mabel’s husband took up lawn bowls. You could do that. Or at least have some awareness when we buy food at the supermarket instead of standing there among the detergents and laundry powders reading the labels. Just get a life, you silly man.”
“It says here,” said Abram, “that this oven cleaner may cause damage to internal organs through prolonged or repeated exposure.”
“Poof!” said Ella. “Who cares?”
Ella should have cared because, if the truth be known, Abram wasn’t overly interested in chemical safety procedures. He was reading the labels because he was planning the best way to finish her off.
Listen the story being read HERE!
Of course he was!
LikeLiked by 2 people
You guessed it again!
LikeLike
Well, if Ella is already spitting tacks, Abram shouldn’t have to plan too much longer….I’m wondering if you do research for these gleeful murder stories,… you know, in case you ever need to know for DIY…..
LikeLiked by 2 people
You and Susanne are clearly in cahoots over the spitting tacks! I don’t do any research; it’s a lot easier simply having a totally unreliable post-modern narrator!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I love the name Ella and now I think of Ella Fitzgerald spitting tacks as she sings. This Ella stands a fighting chance if, as she expires, she shoots her annoying husband with her last drop of saliva.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You and Cynthia are clearly in cahoots over the spitting tacks! I agree – it’s an Ella-va name!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t see the need for chemical warfare. That relationship is already asphyxiating enough. What Abram needs is industrial grade earplugs to shut her out.
LikeLiked by 3 people
You’re right, Oscar…and never mind the lawn bowling. Abram sounds like much more of a
Bocce Balls guy to me!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Tentatively, but he’s building up to some hard knock balls and might use that mallet if Ella keeps it up.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ella is unlikely to “keep it up”.
LikeLiked by 1 person
ROTF LMFAO HYSTERICALLY!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Get up off the floor! It’s unseemly!
LikeLiked by 1 person
But befitting for creepy crawlers like myself.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nothing that a good fly swat wouldn’t fix.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Pardon me, boys…is this the chatanooga choo chew the fat chat?
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL!!! I’ve got my fare
And just a trifle to spare
Don’t know about Oscar and you and the others!
LikeLiked by 1 person
One lives and learns – even though (I googled it) the ancient Romans played with the Bocce Balls I had never heard of it before! Is it a sort of like Pétanque ?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bocce is a bowling game similar to lawn bowls only it’s Italian. The jack is called a “pallino”, the wooden balls are the size of a very large grapefruit and are totally round, rather than elliptical on one end; it’s usually played outdoors on grass or dirt. I used to live near a factory where there was a bocce court for the workers—mostly Italian—who played bocce on their lunch hour with great gusto, argument, and loud cheers and boos. In a former life, my partner and I owned a bocce set (much less expensive than lawn bowls, I surmise) and the young nieces and nephews loved to play with it in our back yard.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for that! I have no idea why I have never heard of it. Major sections of the capital city – Wellington – where I once lived – is Italian so you’d think I would’ve come across it. We used to have a croquet set. It’s played by sweet older people who smile as they violently decimate their opposition.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve only seen croquet played on British TV shows…..I could never play it, I think, because I don’t own the proper clothes….
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lawn bowls is worse for clothing! And they even have rules as to which member of the team sits where in the car on the way to the game and who drives!
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Murder is so much more fun (and a greater Paroxysmal Indulgence!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absolutely agree! But that’s probably because I already wrote that poem with that very title!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh! What a co-incidence! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀 😀 😀 I can’t stand up; I keep laughing. This is a fantastic story and wonderfully written. I see Ella’s husband wasn’t annoying for t.o.o. long.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for enjoying it! You’ve made my day!
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is wonderful. Applause. Applause.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks. That deserves a little curtsy from me!
LikeLiked by 1 person
No need, but the curtsy IS cute. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe he should just hit her with a croquet mallet. When I was in graduate school, one of my friends lived in a house with a croquet set and the roommates had set up a permanent course on the lawn and we spent many, many ill-clothed hours playing hilariously vicious croquet without a thought for chemicals in the lawn (because there were none).
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think croquet is the most violent, mean, nasty sport ever invented and people regard it as something rather hoity-toity! It’s total cut-throat!
LikeLike
We certainly played it that way…
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀 I love it!
LikeLike
I would love to learn how to spit tacks, but then my husband might start reading labels…
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL! It’s something to keep an eye on. If he suddenly develops an interest in the Cocamidopropyl hydroxysultaine in the shampoo I’d be wary!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great finish, Bruce.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀 Thanks Derrick. Perhaps he used Finish (Dishwasher detergent tabs in my house) to finish her off!
LikeLiked by 2 people
…and I have some OFF! (mosquito repellent) you could add to that!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Spraying for mosquitos in the dishwasher might arouse suspicion!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh how devious😈
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks! And right in front of her eyes!
LikeLike
Brilliant. I wasn’t even close to getting this one. i thought he was going to meet someone with his new hobby.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Glad, as always, to have fooled you. Thanks for reading.
LikeLike
I started to suspect his interest in chemicals had a nefarious purpose!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love it, that you’re getting too suspicious. It might be a more sordid aspect sometimes associated with the Hecate creeping out – I must be careful!
LikeLiked by 1 person